What Not To Say To Grieving Parents

It's been 1 year, 10 weeks & 2 days since the death of our Magoo. 

And 3 months, 2 weeks & 6 days later we found out we were going to be having our RAINBOW.

WHAT DOES RAINBOW BABY MEAN?

"A rainbow baby is a baby that is born after a miscarriage, stillbirth, or loss of an infant" 

- www.dictionary.com 

Everyday is a new challenge to navigate for our family.

Some questions that people often ask us aren't appropriate and quiet rude sometimes! But as parents and in general human beings I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. 

The number one most asked question 

And the answer will ALWAYS be 

I know that sounds incredibly harsh, trust me you will get over it. As rainbow parents of a child that has passed away no matter the age its NEVER okay to ask what happend. When the parents are ready to talk about it in their own time then they will! Don't force it. 

Did you know in 2017 15,000 Children DIED That's possibly 20,000+ parents worldwide that grive their children. 

So why with these STAGGERING numbers do we not change how we act around grieving parents? And how do we know what's acceptable and what isn't? 

Honestly that's a loaded question. Unless you've been through it personally it's so hard to comprehend what one is feeling and how to react.

Here are my tips on common questions.Maybe our journey can help somebody in the future on how to navigate the waters as friends and family. 

YES you should be excited for the parents! By showing them that your happy it can really help them cope. What You SHOULDN'T do though is make them feel lonely by not reacting. Don't hold your feelings because your afraid it might hurt us! Be happy with us.

People don't realize the impact that their happiness has on rainbow parents, I can almost describe it as wanting approval and acknowledgement from your loved ones.

Some feel a sense of guilt (not always) that only approval of loved ones can help and when it doesn't happen it can truly be CATASTROPHIC for the parents mental and emotional health. 

I can't preach enough that we need to change the stigma that we aren't allowed to shower grieving parents with love after loss! Especially if they are expecting another child.

NEVER EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE is this question okay for loss of anybody! We are human beings and thus we expect to be treated like one. 

This should be without it saying. No matter what form it comes in telling someone to get over it is CRUEL.

Did you know that elephants when a member of the herd dies they huddle around each other? Sometimes even for DAYS giving themselves time to grieve? They also often come back to the burial of the fallen herd member YEARS later.

[Source www.nationalgeographic.com]

That's incredible that animals even know the depth of grief! So why can't we comprehend that if a animal can grieve for years so can we! 

I feel like at this point this should be a obvious but surprisingly people still say it. 

Unless YOU yourself have lost a child then it's not anyone's place to decide how one grieves. With a rainbow baby the lines are often blurred! it's a line between being exceedingly happy and horribly sad. 

If the parents choose to be happy that's okay and it's not your place to tell them otherwise. Not everyone will show the darkness that they feel. 

Then there is the other side, sadness.

When a parent feels nothing but the deep darkness that they can't get out of THAT'S OKAY you know why? Because you're NOT THE PARENTS grieving parents have what I like to call The Grieving Pass.

They can grieve as long as they need to and do whatever they need to be able to cope.

Now this is where the lines blur even more, I call it the invisible line because it's there but sometimes the grieving parent can't see it. This part is for you parents. 

While you can grieve how you need, remember that it can impact relationships In a negative way for family and friends! I know that sometimes you literally would like to throw people off bridges or chew them out but remember that they also are grieving and that grieving In a HEALTHY way is important.

However always know that your grief is without a doubt different.

A parents loss is Agonizing.

Always Ask First. Some people are very comfortable with having a baby shower after loss and some would even appreciate to celebrate the bundle of joy that is coming. 

If they say no then respect the choice! But for the most part being able to celebrate the miracle is a great way to make one feel confident about the future. 

For most people the answer is Yes..BUT use discretion when posting certain pictures. NEVER post pictures that you know are "sensitive" without asking first. 

ASK FIRST ALWAYS not every parent is comfortable with calling their baby "Rainbows" some prefer to not use that term. Me personally I don't outloud call my child a "Rainbow" because to me she is just my child and doesn't need to have predetermined names besides her own. 

When it comes time for the parents to talk about the child being a "Rainbow" they will discuss it accordingly at THEIR discretion. 

So these are some things to not say to grieving parents that I've bundled up over the year. I hope this might be able to help someone if they are ever in this situation. 

With that here is a picture of our "Rainbow"